Thoughts and friends:

Eventually, I came to terms with who I was, who I am. I know a lot of people will look down on me, not only for my thoughts, but because I live my life with them, think them, and have accepted them. For quite some time, I have hidden my true self from the world, it keeps my life in order. By now, a few friends know some of my secrets. One person in particular intrigued me by her response. It all started one night when she sent me an instant message. We were talking about how our friends in general had betrayed us and did not act like friends anymore. I told her about a friend of mine who told 2 of my secrets that I trusted him with, to another friend. I also mentioned how they were not something other people should really know, and I would prefer my friends not going around telling each other about my secrets. After some more talking, she asked me if I wouldn't mind telling her what they were. Of course fear struck me, wondering if I could trust her. I had only known her for a short while, as a friend of a friend. After much time telling her not to ever tell anyone she agreed and I felt it was sincere enough to tell her. Letting her know one of the ones that was told, one that I had hidden for a long time, it is a relief, but frightening at the same time. I told her I was bisexual. Of course I get met with the "no you aren't, really?" After we cleared that up a bit she began to understand why I did not want people to know. People always assumed I was heterosexual, and that was fine with me. My sexuality doesn't really need to be known by other people, but a few people knowing helps keep me sane. I could tell she was very curious now as to what the second thing could be. I had to ask her again to make sure she would tell no one. After she promised, I took a deep breathe and wrote down "I am a pedophile." After hitting enter, I felt pure fear run through my veins. Curiously enough she responded not with "you're sick" or "why" but she responded with the same response as when I told her I was bisexual. Then we got into a talk about child porn, I told her I don't look at it and have no desire to hurt a child, but it is just my thoughts. After she was assured I was telling the truth she told me that her step father raped her as a child. After some talking, she said something I never really thought about until she said it. She said it must be hard for me to live with those thoughts in todays society. It was something I never really thought about until she said it. Deep down, it hurt. It was painful to have thoughts I have to hide from the world. Thoughts I can't change, but if people knew about them, most would hate me. It was as though I was a victim of my own thoughts. The problem is I have a bitter taste in my mouth. Most people would be embarrassed if their thoughts were to be displayed to the world. Everyone hides something. Everyone hides their bits of shame. People victimize each other for being individuals and expressing their thoughts. People hurt others to cover their own flaws. I always thought there was something wrong with me. The more I look on the world, I am only proven normal, only human. I am just like everyone else. I blend into the crowd. I am your neighbors, your family, your friends, the ones you love. I am your enemies, the ones you hate. I am your politicians, your convenience store clerk, you taxi drivers. My image is everywhere around you. My image looks at the world with disgust. We all victimize ourselves. There are many things I would like to show you, but they would only cause trouble. The real victims are not shown on the news, for the world leaves them as gruesome mangled messes, exploited, or taped in their minds. The news tells you so few, only scratching the surface of what happens in the world. Where these images surface, showing the faces of these victims are deemed obscene. People can call them obscene, but unlike most, I am not afraid to look at the truth, look the victims in their eyes. The only thing I am afraid of is becoming a victim. That is why I hide my thoughts from the world.